Coping With Anxiety in Relationships: How to Break the Cycle Using ACT

Dec 13

Anxiety often shows up most strongly in the places we care about the most our close relationships. Many people in relationships notice persistent stress, emotional tension, or constant overthinking that feels difficult to turn off. You might find yourself replaying conversations, worrying about how you’re being perceived, or feeling a strong urge to seek reassurance or avoid conflict altogether. Relationship anxiety is common, and it does not mean there is something wrong with you or your relationship.

At our practice, we provide anxiety therapy to individuals across Bergen County, New Jersey, including Ridgewood, Englewood, Englewood Cliffs, Alpine, Tenafly, Fort Lee, and surrounding Bergen County communities. Our work is grounded in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), an evidence-based approach that helps people understand the function of anxiety rather than trying to eliminate it.

Understanding Anxiety in Relationships

Anxiety in relationships is not random. It often develops as a learned response to emotional uncertainty, past experiences, or fear of loss, rejection, or conflict. In the short term, anxiety can feel protective. It pushes you to monitor, analyze, and prepare for potential threats. Over time, however, that same anxiety can create distance, miscommunication, and emotional exhaustion.

ACT offers a different way of working with anxiety. Instead of asking, “How do I get rid of this feeling?” ACT invites a more helpful question: “What is this anxiety trying to do for me?” When we understand the function of anxiety, we gain more choice in how we respond to it.

A Functional Analysis of Relationship Anxiety

From an ACT perspective, anxiety in relationships often follows a predictable pattern. A situation occurs, such as a delayed text message, a disagreement, or a subtle shift in tone. This trigger leads to internal experiences, including anxious thoughts, uncomfortable emotions, and physical sensations like tightness in the chest or a knot in the stomach. The mind then offers interpretations such as “They’re upset with me,” “I said the wrong thing,” or “This relationship isn’t secure.”

These internal experiences naturally create urges. You may feel compelled to seek reassurance, over-explain, withdraw emotionally, avoid difficult conversations, or try to regain a sense of control. In the moment, these behaviors can reduce anxiety. The relief is real and temporary. Over time, the anxiety returns, often stronger, reinforcing the cycle.

Functional analysis helps people see that anxiety is not the enemy. It is a system doing its best to protect you, even when its strategies are no longer serving your relationships or your values.

Learning to Observe Thoughts Instead of Believing Them

One of the core ACT skills used in anxiety therapy is cognitive defusion, or learning to step back from thoughts rather than treating them as facts. When anxiety is active, thoughts often feel urgent and convincing. They sound authoritative, even when there is little evidence to support them.

ACT teaches that thoughts are mental events, not truths that must be acted on. A simple shift, such as noticing “I’m having the thought that they’re pulling away,” rather than “They’re pulling away,” creates psychological space. This space allows you to pause, observe what your mind is doing, and decide how you want to respond rather than reacting automatically.

For many people struggling with relationship anxiety, this skill alone reduces stress and improves communication.

Becoming Curious About Emotions Instead of Fighting Them

Another key principle of ACT is learning to relate to emotions with curiosity rather than resistance. Anxiety often intensifies when we try to suppress it, analyze it away, or judge ourselves for feeling it. Instead, ACT encourages gently noticing emotions as they arise and allowing them to be present without immediately trying to change them.

You might ask yourself what the anxiety is signaling, what it wants to protect, or how it learned this response. When emotions are allowed rather than fought, they tend to move through more naturally. This approach helps reduce emotional reactivity and creates room for more intentional behavior in relationships.

Values-Based Communication in Relationships

ACT places strong emphasis on values, the qualities that matter most in how you show up in your relationships. When anxiety is driving behavior, communication often becomes reactive or avoidant. Values help redirect attention toward how you want to act, even when discomfort is present.

Values-based communication might mean choosing honesty over reassurance-seeking, presence over withdrawal, or compassion over defensiveness. Rather than waiting for anxiety to disappear, ACT helps people take meaningful action while anxiety is still there. This often leads to deeper connection and greater emotional safety over time.

Anxiety Therapy for Relationships in Bergen County, NJ

Relationship anxiety is highly treatable. With the right support, people can learn to understand their emotional patterns, respond more flexibly to anxious thoughts, and communicate in ways that align with their values.

We offer evidence-based anxiety therapy in Bergen County, New Jersey, serving individuals in Ridgewood, Englewood, Englewood Cliffs, Alpine, Tenafly, Fort Lee, Paramus, Hackensack, and surrounding Bergen County towns, as well as telehealth therapy throughout New Jersey. Our approach integrates ACT, functional analysis, and mindfulness-based skills to help clients build healthier relationships with both their emotions and the people they care about.

Take the Next Step

If anxiety is impacting your relationships or communication, you don’t have to navigate it alone. Therapy can help you develop clarity, confidence, and flexibility, not by eliminating anxiety, but by changing how you relate to it.

Dana Col